Smart leaders know how to use deep conversations to allow others to be heard and influence behaviors. Deep conversations can also be used to clarify intentions, create bonds, or convince your board that you have a creative way to tackle business challenges. My favorite deep conversations are those in which I can exchange ideas and create breakthroughs, even if they feel uncomfortable.
It doesn’t matter if you are a small team member, a corporate executive, or a solopreneur, how you approach conversations, the words you use, and your demeanor can leave a memorable impression.
Here are six things you should NOT do if you want to have deep conversations that will create a memorable impression:
1. Don’t justify your position
Have you noticed that conversations in the business world tend to be ways to justify a point of view or a decision?
This happens when there is doubt, uncertainty of what people might think, or insecurities. It’s sad, but we tend to forget that it’s ok to make our own decisions even if other people don’t like them. More than communication, the goal of justifying is to mask our personal cognitive dissonance (the tension that occurs whenever a person holds two inconsistent thoughts) based on what we think other people’s criteria are. Rather than trying to justify your position, try having a conversation that’s focused on listening to the other point of view.
2. Don’t feel you have to speak or give advice right away. You don’t.
Deep conversations don’t require you to speak unless you have something of value to say. Good listeners pay attention to the story and don’t interrupt, but we tend to be so busy thinking about responding that we forget to listen.
The key here is to probe until you are sure you’ve connected to the core of the other person’s concerns. Make sure you differentiate between small talk and a real discussion of value. If you feel you can’t add value, move on to tip #6.
3. Don’t use buzz words, big words, or cliches
Do you ever feel you are trying too hard to impress others? Stop. Deep conversations don’t need to get pretentious; instead, they should allow for thought and expression that is clear and succinct.
Use concise, and easy to understand terms when you want to influence others. Remember that cliches and buzzwords lose meaning over time and create an artificial environment. Be courageous and use language that describes precisely what you really mean.
4. Don’t jump to judgment
Instead, stay curious. According to Dr. Katharina Star, an expert on anxiety and panic disorder, jumping to judgment takes one of two forms: mind-reading or fortune-telling. “Mind-reading” is when a person assumes that they are being negatively evaluated or that others are out to get them. “Fortune-telling” happens when one predicts a negative outcome from the conversation, even before the situation has occurred.
The antidote for jumping to judgment is to stay open and curious. If the rampage of negative thoughts comes in, ask yourself if you have evidence of the negative thoughts being true. Reset, relax, listen, and ask clarifying questions.
5. Don’t shy away from giving or receiving constructive feedback
Deep conversations can help with development and growth if we allow for honest feedback. Avoid platitudes to make the other person feel better. Instead, be specific, provide ideas for improvement, and allow for silence. These practices will make for a robust conversation.
6. Don’t be afraid of silence
Deep conversations allow for silence. Confident leaders don’t need to fill empty space with weak statements. They understand that they don’t need to dominate the conversation (even if they are leading it.) Silence works for you because it provides the other person extra time to go deep and say more, clarify more, offer more.
If you think it’s time to have a deeper conversation, be sure to take account of these Don’ts. Listen, be clear, be open, and allow silence! Let the conversation flourish so that it serves both you and the person you’re talking with. Who knows! The next deep conversation could be the one that changes your life.Whole Leadership Systems offers a simple three-step executive coaching process that will invigorate your workplace and elevate the way you show up to any conversation. It starts with YOU! Contact me to schedule a complimentary consultation at [email protected]. Let’s keep raising the bar!
