One aspect of negotiating effectively that I find challenging is the art of balancing assertiveness and empathy. Empathy scares me. When I think about empathy, the first thought that comes to mind is putting myself in the other person’s shoes. Well, that seems inauthentic to me if I am in a situation where I have never really been in the other person’s shoes. And even if I have been in the other person’s shoes, my needs might be different than my counterpart’s. So how do we strike a balance between assertiveness and empathy if we have never been in the other person’s shoes? How can we authentically do this?
In Theory
I love Harvard Law School professor Robert Mnookin’s fresh view on empathy. In his book, he defines empathy as making an effort to understand your counterpart’s point of view in a nonjudgmental way. Once we as negotiators can do that, creating that balance is not as scary.
The second aspect is assertiveness which many confuse for aggressiveness, and there is a vast difference. Assertiveness is clearly and confidently expressing and advocating for our needs, goals, interests or perspectives. Think about assertiveness as being direct and succinct in your communication. This means knowing your intention when asking for something and stating your requests briefly and clearly.
In Practice
There are a few steps you can take to start practicing both your assertiveness and your empathy strategies.
Practice assertiveness by practicing your narrative ahead of time:
- Write down what you want.
- Write down why you want that. In other words, what will that do for you?
- Write down the other person’s needs.
- Write down how you can help them meet those needs.
Here is a simple template:
I am choosing/I want ______________, so that I (we) can _____________________. My counterparts’ needs are________________________. And one way I can help them meet those needs is________________________________.
Once you feel good about what you’ve written down, practice saying it aloud. Rehearse until you feel it’s clear and you feel confident about it.
Then, practice empathy during the negotiation:
- Always let your counterpart go first. Ask them to present their side before you offer yours.
- Listen. Get curious. Do not pass judgment.
- Ask, “What else?” This helps ensure you have all of the important information upfront and nothing is left out.
- Make sure you understand their view by repeating it back to them.
- Assertively clarify that your understanding of their view doesn’t mean that you are in complete agreement.
One major pitfall I see often is negotiators who go on and on about their way as if repeating it will magically make the other party understand them better. If this happens to you or if you are asked to elaborate, remember that less is more. Resist the urge to give long eloquent explanations. Instead, give yourself a few seconds to think, ask clarifying questions to understand what the other party might need and then clearly assert your intention from a different angle.
Following these strategies will take preparation and awareness and will force you to slow down to get clear on your intention. And it is that clarity of intention that can give you a competitive advantage in all your negotiation opportunities.
With love,
Mari Carmen
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