Do you ever wonder what’s holding you back at work or why you aren’t being more assertive? Could it be because you have to deal with people in your life who are a little older, have more experience and believe they are wiser than you? You may find yourself hearing the old phrase, “back in my day…” that makes the world before Netflix, mobile phones, and wi-fi in every restaurant sound like a better place.
While I think these comments are from people trying to find their identity in a changing world looking through a lens of nostalgia, I have to agree when they talk about how we’ve softened up as a society, especially when it comes to asserting ourselves with others.
It pains me to say it, but I see this happening to a lot of very smart and dedicated women in the workplace.
Is this a matter of social conditioning or DNA?
According to research, it may be both.
There’s a profound double-standard in how an assertive woman is treated over an assertive man. Assertive men are seen as strong; yet assertive women are demanding. In the case of men, the passive man is weak while the passive woman is more pleasant to be around.
A Fortune Magazine study reported a few years back that in looking at job performance reviews, critiques about personality appeared in 75 percent of the reviews of women. In men, only 2.4 percent.
In addition to that and, according to the Anxiety and Depression Association, women have anxiety disorders twice as often as men. Even Mother Nature seems to have it in for us.
So, if others are not going to like you no matter what you do and you’re probably going to have anxiety anyway, why should women step up and be more assertive?
Because that’s how women can change the workplace. That’s how women can change the world.
Here are some tips for shrugging off the mean people, dealing with your internal struggles and expressing your assertiveness effectively:
- Find the Common Ground – People will find it much more difficult to label you overly-aggressive if you always lead with where you agree, not where you differ. When you concur with someone, it builds a bridge and that bridge makes it easier to cross when disagreements arise. When there is a difference of opinion, always hear them out and acknowledge their position while stating yours, regardless of the gender.
- Be Fair and Authentic – Are you the most tactful person? Could your diplomacy skills use some work? Are you putting up a front to show how strong you are? Drop the act. Figure out how to make your personality work in your situation. Train yourself to know when to step up and knock it out of the park, and be aware when it’s time to let someone else’s skill set shine.
- Give Yourself Some Credit – Maybe you never get to the point you can be called assertive because you back off so early in the process. Examine your inner dialogue when that happens. What messages are you sending yourself? If you can slow those inner doubting voices down a bit, you can focus on what’s happening and be more confident when you do have something valuable to contribute.
- Be Nice, But Don’t Be a Doormat – This should go without saying, but if you’re working hard to make sure everybody likes you and fear what will happen if they don’t, maybe it’s time to take a boxing class or an acting class. If you can practice being assertive in other environments, you can take that muscle memory back to the office.
- You Can’t Win Them All, But You Can’t Win If You Don’t Try – The truth of the matter is that there are just going to be some people or some groups who have their own biases, problems or are just having a bad day. There are going to be people you don’t click with, who don’t click with you or have something else going on in their lives that they take out on you. Don’t allow the haters to bring you down. It’s their bad day, not yours.
There are plenty of valid reasons for taking a step back when it comes to asserting your opinion or power, such as personal safety or legitimate job security, but there are far more imaginary ones that live in your head and have little basis in reality.
If you and your team need guidance to work through team dynamics and leadership nuances, consider investing in a coach or find a mentor who can give you strategies that work. If you are curious about working with me, let’s have a conversation. Contact us to schedule a complimentary consultation at http://maricarmenpizarro.com/contact-mari-carmen/
